♬You're my sunshine, my only sunshine..♪

Anonymous asked: why do you complain about being fat but take pictures of yourself all the time to brag about your looks?

What are you talking about? I dare you to find a photo of me saying “OMG look at me I’m so fat” ! I know that I’ve been constantly annoying people for moaning about how fat I am, but only to those who are:

1. Best friends: who encourage me to lose weight because they’ve witnessed how weak I’ve become.

2.Friends who haven’t met me for a long time because I used to be sickly skinny.

3. Strangers who have never seen me in person and compliments on how skinny I am. Is it just better admitting that I am fat, rather than fooling them and what if one day, when they see me on the street, do u think having them talking about how fat I actually look/ how deceiving my photos are would make me happy?

Group1+2 are my friends, who always try to make me feel better by telling me that I still look okay, and I shouldn’t be stressed out. I moan to them all the time, because THEY LISTEN and THEY CARE; their words comfort me and I need that encouragement when I’m the most vulnerable. So I assume that you’re either group 3, who don’t know much about me, or a very exceptionally disappointing friend of group 2.

So here’s the story I never told any other people, even my family, except for my best friends. I was 45kg in June 2011, I came back home June 2012 weighing 65kg. Diagnosed with self-mutilation, emotional binging, bulimia, depression, bad grades, homesick, gaining weight, no friends, no family, some stupid permanent illnesses, being ditched by my ex who looked overwhelmed staring at my body…. please, I’m speechless to my pathetic-self as well. I posted several photos of work out and calories intake and you told me “I bragged about my body”. I have to pull 3 times harder and it takes much longer because I have fucking asthma; and while the other girls hang out, I stay sweaty at the gym for hours so that I can burn up to 800 900 calories and I can’t say I’m proud of myself?

Like every girl, I’m obsessed with my body, Besides those good days, there are bad days when I don’t exercise and I eat crap. I feel bad and I can’t suck it up and I just express it. Don’t all girls do that? I’m sorry you have to read all of my crappy thoughts because I am that kind of person, whose words are louder than actions.

I apologize for my language and this is very long. I’m very pissed and upsetting right now. I think I’m kinda overacting but I can’t help it. I bet you’ll feel the same way too if some anonymous tells you: ‘hey attention seeker, shut the fuck up’.  If you ever wake up every day, hating every inch of yourself, for the 2 goddamn years, you’ll understand how I feel.

But thanks anyways, I will answer this because I’m tired of misunderstandings.

Anonymous asked: hey you're beautiful <3

thank you :) you’re so sweet :)

Anonymous asked: U might not know who I am but I just want to let you know that I'll be there for you whenever you need me .

This is so beautiful :) my eyes are teary right now. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’m so messed up and tired and life is just like shit but I have to keep my mouth shut & carry on because i know noone can help me. 

But you’re such an amazing human being. It’d be so great if i know you in person so just inbox me whenever you need a friend. :)

Anonymous asked: you seem like a very sensitive girl. Have you ever felt broken-hearted?

yeah, not a long time ago and it seems never ending. i wish i could just move on.